gelbes_gilatier: (Lorne/Cadman)
[personal profile] gelbes_gilatier
Title: Wishing She Was Somewhere Else Instead
Fandom: Generation Kill/Stargate
Rating: T (language warning, guys. No, seriously.)
Genres: gen, going on to het
Summary: So, last chapter. I do have a couple scenes in my head but I'm not sure if they're enough to be written. If anyone's interested, please tell me?
A/N: "So here she is. About to knock on her superior’s office door to ask him to transfer her to another posting."

( Drowning on Dry Land )

( Better Treat Her Right )

( Break the Door Down )

Wishing She Was Somewhere Else Instead

“One of us is lying
in a lonely bed
staring at the ceiling
wishing she was somewhere else instead.”

ABBA, “One of Us”

So here she is. About to knock on her superior’s office door to ask him to transfer her to another posting. It has taken her four weeks to make that one last final step. Four weeks that nearly cost her her sanity, what with pretending everything was back to normal with her CO and her. It was, she has to give herself that, surprising how well it worked on everyone, even Sheppard.

Okay, everyone except Colbert but she’s pretty sure he’s actually some alien endowed with at least a dozen seventh senses, anyway. There’s no way he could have found exactly the right moment to kick her ass practically straight to Major Lorne’s office by accident. It had to have been some weird sense of precognition or maybe the superhuman skill to locate every one of them with his goddamn head or some other weird shit going on.

Either way, he managed to make it clear to her that she might be fooling everyone else with her “There’s nothing to see, move along, move along” attitude but not him. Just a casual conversation in the armory, something about why the P90 was chosen ultimately for the Atlantis expedition instead of any of the US Armed Forces standard rifles or something. And then he’d remarked that if he were so head over heels for his commanding officer as one of the NCOs from the small Swedish Army contingent was for his American team leader, he’d have made sure to be as far away from her chain of command as he could, regardless of what she felt.

It had been an odd remark from him and that was what had kind of hit her over the head. He hadn’t been talking about Ole Hammesvar and Kate Vandermere. Well, okay, he had because honestly, she so damn much agrees it’s not even funny anymore. But he’d also been talking about her and Major Lorne, she’s sure of that. The pointed look that asked her “Are you an officer or are you a person with a brain?” had been a dead giveaway, too.

So she’s here now to get as far away from Evan Lorne’s chain of command as she can. Taking a deep breath, she raises her hand, for about the 100th time and this time it actually hits the door. One, two… “Come in.” She realizes she just held her breath and she takes care he doesn’t see or hear her exhaling the moment the door opens.

As she enters his office, she feels her palms going a little clammy and it takes all her willpower not to rub them dry on her pants. She feels annoyance creeping up as well. Annoyance at herself for being nervous about a simple transfer request and also annoyance at herself for being so damn attracted to her fucking CO.

“What can I do for you… Lieutenant?” She blinks. Why’d he hesitate? And since when is he calling her by her rank again, even when it’s just them?

Oh, right, ever since she visited him a few hours after he woke up and they allowed her back in the infirmary after making her sleep… she takes a mental deep breath and she remembers the conversation she and Colbert had in the work-out room after Lorne had been shot up. She’d asked Colbert if it matters if she’s sleeping with her CO and she never answered him when he said it didn’t. But the truth is, it does. It matters because she isn’t sleeping with him and felt like someone ripped her heart out when she saw him collapse in a hail of bullets. She swallows. “I’d like to request reassignment, sir.”

That seemed to have taken him by surprise and she’s almost sure that for a moment, alarm had crossed his face. Then he just frowns at her and it just can’t be sane how much she wants to smooth those creases away. “To a different team? Laura, you don’t…”

Oh right, now she’s Laura again. Can’t he just decide what he wants? But at least the little leap of joy she felt deep inside at hearing his voice call her by her first name again just the right amount of resolve the be able to say what she needs to say, “To a different base, sir.”

There’s the attempt at understanding on his face, at first. “I… see.” And then it isn’t. It’s rather… irritation. “No, actually, I don’t. What the hell is going on here?”

Did he really just ask that? Was Colbert really the only one she couldn’t fool about that unfortunate attraction to her CO she just can’t get rid of? Didn’t he notice that she avoided him if it wasn’t absolutely necessary to communicate with him? Could she really trick people into thinking she wasn’t sleep deprived from tossing and turning and the occasional nightmare with just a bit of make-up? She’s just so tired of it. “Isn’t it kind of obvious?”

“No, it’s not,” he starts, even a little aggravated and all she can think of is God, you’re hot when you’re angry. That’s nothing compared to how weird he sounds when he says, “Or… is it me?” though. In a way it is, she thinks and then mentally adds, screw this, it’s about him all the fucking way. “Laura, don’t worry, I won’t throw you out of the team for a weapon’s malfunction that wasn’t your fault.”

What… oh, right. That. Yeah. That had been… stupid. It had been stupid and it nearly cost his life and she hates the way thinking of his shot up body and the blood slowly seeping into the desert sand. She swallows before she answers, “It’s not the weapon’s malfunction, sir. Or at least… not all of it.” Because, the thing is, that is also weighing her down, from a professional angle. She tries to tell herself it wasn’t her fault and she chewed out the responsible Corporal from the armory enough that he was practically crawling back to his quarters afterwards but it stands to reason that she’s the armory CO’s backup and she should have…

“What else is it?” Right. Concentrate on the task at hand. She can do that. “Seriously, you gotta help me out here because I’m drawing a blank.”

She wonders if he really is. Drawing a blank, that is. The still wary look on his face and the hint of having noticed something was… off tell her differently and for some reason, a fuse in her head just… cracked. She makes a fist with her right hand, pressing the fingers together in a ball so tight it would hurt to uncurl it right now and takes a short look out of his window, catching sun and ocean and realizing that she’ll have to leave all of this behind, not just him but there’s the irresistible urge in her to just say it.

She forces herself to turn back to him, look him straight into the eyes when she spills the beans. “When you went down, sir, I was unable to function properly.” So far, her voice is steady and even professional. And it’s all gone out the window when she relives the moment she plans to tell him about. “It was just a moment and I got it all under control but… I keep seeing it. I keep seeing how you went down and that… I don’t… I don’t ever want to see that again.” There, she said it. She said it and now she can’t even bear looking him in the eye to see the disappointment and disapproval that’s bound to be staring back at her. “I think I need to… could you please excuse me, sir? I need to write my request and I… really need to go.”

The most embarrassing thing is how fast she just rambled and how fast she bounds for the door, just to get out and away from him and the mess she made, just because she couldn’t keep her damn mouth shut and…

“When I went down, Laura, the only thing I kept thinking was how glad I was I didn’t let you dial out.” She doesn’t dare turning around. The softness of his voice scares her. The softness and the quiet admission that carries things she forbade herself dream about. “I don’t remember much but I remember that. It even was the first thing that came back to me when I woke up and they told me they’d just forced you to take a couple of hours of sleep in your quarters.”

It just takes her a moment to remember how they came to know each other, how he helped her to get over Carson’s death, how he accepted her into his team after a year of making her work hard and even harder for it, how she realized slowly that a day without him was a day wasted, how she simply stopped coherent thought in that one moment a few weeks ago that nearly meant every day of her life would be without him… “Laura? Look at me, please?”

She does. Over her shoulder, not sure what she’s going to see and she’s rewarded with the cutest shy and slightly embarrassed smile she ever saw and never would have expected from a guy like Major Evan Lorne. That kind of seals it and she turns around fully, offering him an encouraging smile in return when he takes slow steps toward her, slightly extending his hand to her. For a moment, she idly wonders what Colbert is going to say to this before abandoning any thoughts about anyone outside this office and takes a step forward herself, a smile growing brighter every second.


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December 2014

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