This is not fair.
Jun. 3rd, 2010 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gelbes_gilatierSo... I was at the surgeon's today again and got my referal for physical therapy (which is actually yay-worthy). I just made one mistake... I had a look at the diagnosis on the referal. It said "cruciate ligamente rupture" (to which I thought "Wait, wasn't it suspected rupture last time I checked?") and it also said "suspected tibia head fracture" (to which I thought "Wait... waitwaitwait, no one ever said anything about something being broken. Where did that come from, guys? And why do I have to look at the referal to see that? Why doesn't anyone actually talk to me about this?"). I actually... I don't know what to say anymore.
Because, you see, I went to google "tibia head" (which is the upper part of the shinbone, a part of the knee) and then I made the mistake to jump to "cruciate ligament rupture" and now... I'm scared. Like... really scared. Basically, it said that after something like this, the knee in question will never be the same and that my chance of getting knee arthrosis in 15 or 20 years probably just upped to 30 - 50%. Mostly because I'm still young and I plan to get back into regular judo and fencing training (which I should probably never do again because according to the wikipedia article a knee that once was injured that way will never be happy with sports that demand a lot of turning the knee and body contact again).
This is not cool.
I really tried to be brave about it, told myself it'll go away and when it's over, things will be okay again and I'll never have to think about it again (apart from being a little anxious about the particular judo move where it happened for a while, which, according to the wikipedia article is quite normal and will get worse as time goes on, not better) but the truth is: it won't. If the cruciate ligaments are ruptured, the knee will always stay unstable (even when you treat it with surgery because apparently that's the only way to actually heal the rupture as the cruciate ligaments don't have the ability to self-heal that some of the other ligaments in the knee have... someone had a really twisted sense of humor here), the risk of injuring the meniscus increases considerably and yeah, did I mention increased risk of getting knee arthrosis in your early forties (in my case)?
I tried so hard not to let myself get down by this but now... I'm sitting here, crying in front of the computer because this probably means the end to a few dreams of mine (and I don't only mean being able to ski next winter) and because I'll probably never get rid of it again. Goddammit, isn't it enough that I'm too stupid to find a new job? Did this have to happen as well? What did I do, huh? I really feel like that line from Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark": "There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me." (mostly because I also looked up the symptoms and um... the surgeon was right... most of them do not correspond with my symptoms... they said that a really nicely visible and big haematoma is one of the surest signs for a rupture and I never had that. I had a swelling in the hollow of my knee I needed the doc to tell me about (otherwise I wouldn't even have realized it) but that was about it).
It's just... I'm so very, very, very sick of itand it's only been a little more than a month. Injuries like that... they're supposed to give you trouble for six months and then some usually and... did I mention how sick of it I am? AAAAAAAAAARGH! I want it to be over, without any aftereffects that will bother me the rest of my life :(
Because, you see, I went to google "tibia head" (which is the upper part of the shinbone, a part of the knee) and then I made the mistake to jump to "cruciate ligament rupture" and now... I'm scared. Like... really scared. Basically, it said that after something like this, the knee in question will never be the same and that my chance of getting knee arthrosis in 15 or 20 years probably just upped to 30 - 50%. Mostly because I'm still young and I plan to get back into regular judo and fencing training (which I should probably never do again because according to the wikipedia article a knee that once was injured that way will never be happy with sports that demand a lot of turning the knee and body contact again).
This is not cool.
I really tried to be brave about it, told myself it'll go away and when it's over, things will be okay again and I'll never have to think about it again (apart from being a little anxious about the particular judo move where it happened for a while, which, according to the wikipedia article is quite normal and will get worse as time goes on, not better) but the truth is: it won't. If the cruciate ligaments are ruptured, the knee will always stay unstable (even when you treat it with surgery because apparently that's the only way to actually heal the rupture as the cruciate ligaments don't have the ability to self-heal that some of the other ligaments in the knee have... someone had a really twisted sense of humor here), the risk of injuring the meniscus increases considerably and yeah, did I mention increased risk of getting knee arthrosis in your early forties (in my case)?
I tried so hard not to let myself get down by this but now... I'm sitting here, crying in front of the computer because this probably means the end to a few dreams of mine (and I don't only mean being able to ski next winter) and because I'll probably never get rid of it again. Goddammit, isn't it enough that I'm too stupid to find a new job? Did this have to happen as well? What did I do, huh? I really feel like that line from Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark": "There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me." (mostly because I also looked up the symptoms and um... the surgeon was right... most of them do not correspond with my symptoms... they said that a really nicely visible and big haematoma is one of the surest signs for a rupture and I never had that. I had a swelling in the hollow of my knee I needed the doc to tell me about (otherwise I wouldn't even have realized it) but that was about it).
It's just... I'm so very, very, very sick of itand it's only been a little more than a month. Injuries like that... they're supposed to give you trouble for six months and then some usually and... did I mention how sick of it I am? AAAAAAAAAARGH! I want it to be over, without any aftereffects that will bother me the rest of my life :(
