This is not fair.

[gelbes_gilatier]

So... I was at the surgeon's today again and got my referal for physical therapy (which is actually yay-worthy). I just made one mistake... I had a look at the diagnosis on the referal. It said "cruciate ligamente rupture" (to which I thought "Wait, wasn't it suspected rupture last time I checked?") and it also said "suspected tibia head fracture" (to which I thought "Wait... waitwaitwait, no one ever said anything about something being broken. Where did that come from, guys? And why do I have to look at the referal to see that? Why doesn't anyone actually talk to me about this?"). I actually... I don't know what to say anymore.

Because, you see, I went to google "tibia head" (which is the upper part of the shinbone, a part of the knee) and then I made the mistake to jump to "cruciate ligament rupture" and now... I'm scared. Like... really scared. Basically, it said that after something like this, the knee in question will never be the same and that my chance of getting knee arthrosis in 15 or 20 years probably just upped to 30 - 50%. Mostly because I'm still young and I plan to get back into regular judo and fencing training (which I should probably never do again because according to the wikipedia article a knee that once was injured that way will never be happy with sports that demand a lot of turning the knee and body contact again).

This is not cool.

I really tried to be brave about it, told myself it'll go away and when it's over, things will be okay again and I'll never have to think about it again (apart from being a little anxious about the particular judo move where it happened for a while, which, according to the wikipedia article is quite normal and will get worse as time goes on, not better) but the truth is: it won't. If the cruciate ligaments are ruptured, the knee will always stay unstable (even when you treat it with surgery because apparently that's the only way to actually heal the rupture as the cruciate ligaments don't have the ability to self-heal that some of the other ligaments in the knee have... someone had a really twisted sense of humor here), the risk of injuring the meniscus increases considerably and yeah, did I mention increased risk of getting knee arthrosis in your early forties (in my case)?

I tried so hard not to let myself get down by this but now... I'm sitting here, crying in front of the computer because this probably means the end to a few dreams of mine (and I don't only mean being able to ski next winter) and because I'll probably never get rid of it again. Goddammit, isn't it enough that I'm too stupid to find a new job? Did this have to happen as well? What did I do, huh? I really feel like that line from Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark": "There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me." (mostly because I also looked up the symptoms and um... the surgeon was right... most of them do not correspond with my symptoms... they said that a really nicely visible and big haematoma is one of the surest signs for a rupture and I never had that. I had a swelling in the hollow of my knee I needed the doc to tell me about (otherwise I wouldn't even have realized it) but that was about it).

It's just... I'm so very, very, very sick of itand it's only been a little more than a month. Injuries like that... they're supposed to give you trouble for six months and then some usually and... did I mention how sick of it I am? AAAAAAAAAARGH! I want it to be over, without any aftereffects that will bother me the rest of my life :(

Comments

[robtengel.livejournal.com]

Langsam... Was hast du anm Knie? So gut ist mein Englisch nicht.
Und wann und wie ist das passiert?
Hoffentlich wird es nicht schlimm, wie es sich anhört. Das tut mir ehrlich leid.

[gelbes-gilatier.livejournal.com]

Langsam... Was hast du anm Knie?

Wahrscheinlich ein Kreuzbandriss (wenn man den MRT-Leuten glauben darf, weil die glauben, einen entdeckt zu haben... auf den zweiten Blick) oder auch was anderes (wenn man meiner Chirurgin glauben darf, weil die meint, dass "meine Klinik" nicht zur Diagnose passt), von dem aber keiner so richtig weiß, was es ist (die Diagnose "Verdacht auf Tibiakopffraktur" habe ich heute zum ersten Mal gelesen, auf dem Rezept für die Physio... gesagt hat mir das niemand).

Und wann und wie ist das passiert?

Mitte April, beim Judo (wollte einen Ogoshi ansetzen, dreh mich ein... BOOM, Schmerzen). Ich hab jetzt ein bisschen Angst, dass ich das nie wieder werde machen können :( (also nicht nur, weil das nicht sonderlich gut für das Knie wäre, sondern auch, weil sich wie bei jeder guten Angstlernkurve langsam eine Blockade aufbaut, die man irgendwann nur noch mit professioneller Hilfe durchbrechen kann)

Hoffentlich wird es nicht schlimm, wie es sich anhört. Das tut mir ehrlich leid.

Danke :S Mich nervt gerade immer mehr, dass eigentlich keiner so richtig weiß, was los ist und es so ein bisschen Stochern im Nebel ist. Ich überlege langsam, mir eine zweite Meinung zu holen...

[myfloralbonnet.livejournal.com]

:( *hugs*

[gelbes-gilatier.livejournal.com]

Thanks *sighs I'm still trying to keep up hope it'll clear up eventually... but it's starting to get harder.

[rodlox.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*
I hope everything turns out well.

if you need anything, let me know.

[asugar.livejournal.com]

This sounds traumatic and very scary. And this post reminds me of why I try to never put my symptoms into webmd et al or diagnose myself over the internet because invariably it leads me to suspecting horrible things. I hope it's NOT a fracture and that you are back on your feet very soon and at practice, thanks to the physical therapy. And that you get a hottie for your PT guy. If you do have a knee surgery, I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the results and how long it takes to recover (if you do what they say). I've nursed my sister through two arthoscopic knee surgeries and they did amazing work.

You are always so inspiring and upbeat that I know you must be feeling very low to express such pain. I feel very helpless as to how make things better but if there is anything I can do let me know.

[gelbes-gilatier.livejournal.com]

And this post reminds me of why I try to never put my symptoms into webmd et al or diagnose myself over the internet because invariably it leads me to suspecting horrible things.

Usually, I don't do it for exactly the same reasons, either but uh... I guess I just didn't expect how bad things could turn with this kind of injury (the last knee injury I had was a knee joint fracture in the right knee, after a riding accident when I was 12 or something... and that only involved x-raying, a clear diagnosis, a few weeks of my leg in plaster, some physical therapy et voila, no severe lasting aftereffects).

And that you get a hottie for your PT guy.

Well, it's a girl, after all ;) But I think she's a nice one. Very patient (patience is importance... I don't seem to have any) and nice to talk to. I think working with her will be a good thing.

I've nursed my sister through two arthoscopic knee surgeries and they did amazing work.

Two surgeries? That sounds awful :S But they did get it right again, right?

I feel very helpless as to how make things better but if there is anything I can do let me know.

Just reading and commenting shows that you care and that's the most important thing about it. After recent events (my grandma died) I'm starting to realize that I have more good friends than I thought and that's a great relief when you feel like nothing is ever going right (even though it is, at least in some parts). You just being there and caring about what I have to say is enough :)