![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gelbes_gilatierFandom: Stargate
Rating: T
Genres: drama, hurt/comfort
Summary: Apocafic/AU - After the raid that went down the drain, Evan Lorne had hoped for a reprieve... but maybe the problems for Evan and Laura are just beginning?
A/N: So I'm on vacations and watching Law & Order in the afternoon... been a while since I did that and it's amazing how fast you get used to a different rhythm... I still feel like I should be at work :D Anyway, here's part #4 and not betaed, either. I hope you don't mind :)
( Shards Instead of Glass )
( Find Peace Tonight )
( What You Call Hell )
Pandora’s Box: It’s Never Like That In Reality
„Warum kann's nicht perfekt sein
so wie in einem Liebeslied
Oder so wie im Film sein
wo der Boy vor dem Mädchen kniet
und ihre Hand nimmt
und ihr ganz tief in die Augen blickt
Einfach alles stimmt
nichts an dem wirkt ungeschickt
Kerzen brennen und Champagner steht bereit
Doch so ist es niemals in Wirklichkeit.“
Die Ärzte, „Perfekt“
She’s over there. He really just needs to get up, limp a few steps, push back the tent’s flap… and he’d be standing in front of her hopefully sleeping form, exhausted after several hours of surgery more or less conscious for the whole time… but something keeps him on his seat a little off the main ring around the campfire and he’d be lying to himself if he said it was just the knee.
And so he keeps alternately staring at the fire, the tent and the ground, trying to get his mind off everything that happened today. It’s not easy, though, because… because it was almost too much, even for someone like him who had to get accustomed to a lot of things happening in the relatively small space of a day. There was a raid gone wrong, a retreat almost gone wrong, Laura getting wounded… and seeing people again he never thought he would ever see again… and not seeing some people again.
Well, that and… having to assist Keller and Doc in operating on a half-conscious Laura. God, he wishes he could get that out of his mind. But he probably never will. He has a feeling he will always remember the way she couldn’t keep silent and still because she’d been too far gone to have her usual grip on herself… because he’d been the one having to restrain her.
They’d tried to remove the bullets simultaneously – Keller working on one spot, Doc on the other – with Laura lying on her stomach but she’d been too uncooperative and he couldn’t bear having to pin her down forcefully so he’d ignored the doctors’ protests and had put Laura back in a sitting position, straddling the table and had moved to do the same, opposite to her.
That had made it possible for him to embrace her… and she instantly moved her healthy arm around him for extra support. Operating had been a little tougher for the doctors but at least he could hold her and try to make up for the pain she was enduring by soothing her with whispering every comforting phrase he ever heard to her.
He doesn’t remember much of it… but what he does remember is that afterwards he’d accepted the bottle of moonshine they had used both as a sedative and a disinfectant Keller had wordlessly put into his hands equally silent and simply taken a large swig, not even noticing just how vile it tasted.
There’d been an instant effect of the alcohol on his system but not as much as he would have expected – and liked – and it did nothing to quell all the doubts and the other repercussions that are bubbling to the surface of his mind now. Because the thing is… it feels like things are getting out of control.
When he started that something with Laura, he’d been stupid enough not to count in the complications. In the beginning, he’d even been stupid enough to believe that it was something purely physical, that he could just go on like he used to… but he’d realized pretty fast that he was just fooling himself. In fact, whatever he had with Laura was far from being just physical – from both sides.
Right from the beginning, more parts of him than just the lower regions of his body had been involved in this and it had been a big mistake to think that actually acting on his feelings wouldn’t change anything. But the truth was that it changed everything. It changed the way he saw her and it changed the way she affected him – or rather how much he acknowledged those effects – and he’s pretty sure that it also changed how he affects Laura.
And now he’s sitting here, feeling like the biggest idiot in two galaxies because he made the oldest and probably biggest mistake a soldier can make – fall in love with a fellow soldier… well, that and act on it. Maybe there are a few good reasons why Earth rules don’t apply to them anymore anyway… but there are also a few good reasons why they still should have kept them up.
It’s not even the danger of favoritism or that it changes team dynamics or that it impacts negatively on his competences as a leader – he’s clearheaded enough to see that today proved all of that wrong – that makes him feel like that. No, it’s the fact that his heart was torn to shreds today.
Yes, she’s alive and probably on her way to recovery but still… when he saw her getting hit and almost collapsing, he’d felt the first crack. And with every time her condition worsened, he had felt another piece of his heart torn away. Assisting with her surgery had been the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Fuck, he still feels her fingers dig into his back and tear at his jacket and the wetness on her cheeks that might have been sweat or tears or both and the way she jerked every time Doc or Keller struck a tender spot or a nerve – which was practically every time they did something to her.
Oh God, he should never have entered into this… it’ll only destroy them both because for some reason he just knows she’d have reacted exactly the same had their roles been reversed. And the last thing he wants for her is to feel like he’s feeling now. She doesn’t deserve this and he should take his chance to spare her further heartache as long as he can. He should… “So… you and Cadman, huh?”
Jesus fucking Christ. Why do they all creep up on him like that? First Laura, now Sheppard… he really should work on the whole being on guard thing. At least he can still keep the jumpiness inside and appear more or less undisturbed on the outside. To keep up that impression he doesn’t even look at Sheppard when he answers rather tightlipped, “Yeah, Cadman and I.” And really, what more is there to say?
“Been going on for long?” Right, of course. He should have known Sheppard wouldn’t give it a rest after only one question. In fact, that probably was the overture to some interrogation but he’s just too tired for that. He doesn’t even want to know what or who tipped off the Colonel since the only conversation they’d had since Laura was out of surgery was about bringing each other up to speed on casualties, survivors and the general state of what’s left of the Atlantis Expedition.
He still doesn’t look at Sheppard when he supplies, “Just a couple of weeks, sir.”
At that, there’s nothing for quite a while until Sheppard says sounding a little miffed, “Then why exactly are you sitting here when she’s in that tent over there?”
That’s a good question. A really, really good question. And hey, he can even try to answer it without losing face. “Keller said she needs some rest and space.” It’s not exactly the truth… but it’s close enough. Keller had told him that Laura needed some rest… but she hadn't told him explicitly to stay away from the tent – a rather rare occurrence, according to Sergeant Meyers.
However… Sheppard doesn’t do him the favor of giving it a rest. “Cadman… or you?” Dammit, when did the man become so perceptive? And so vocal? He never… no, that’s not true. Actually, Sheppard had been taking care of his soldiers even back in Atlantis, subtly inquiring what was the matter when people had shown signs of stress or erratic behavior and taking matters into his hands to clear up whatever needed to be cleared up. In fact… it’s only logical he would try to do the same for his former second in command now.
So… for a moment, he feels the strong urge to confide in Sheppard, about… about everything. About feeling like being worn thin, about needing so badly to lie back and unwind, about knowing he made a mistake with giving in to his feelings for Laura and still feeling unwilling and downright unable to undo the mistake and call it quits with her… but he’d never been a talker and a year on the run hadn't exactly improved that. He takes a deep breath. “Sir, I would appreciate…”
“Look, Major… a lot of people might be gone.” It’s a tone he never thought he’d hear from Sheppard. Quiet and rough, telling a story all on its own. It’s a story of loss: Dr. Weir in the destruction of Atlantis, Rodney McKay in the defense of an improvised communication relay station he’d built to try and contact the Milky Way, Teyla in an attempt to help a group of resistance fighters – even though Ronon had told him that they didn’t actually see her die. And it tells him that even though Sheppard might look the same on the outside, he’s different now as well.
He wants to say something, just anything, tell the Colonel he isn't alone and that he knows exactly how he feels but Sheppard doesn’t let him because he adds in a voice that’s a little stronger, “Don’t make the same mistake I made, Major.” What does he… “They might be gone… but Cadman’s still here.”
Another look towards the tent. The lights are still on there but everything had been quiet ever since they put her in there which he takes as a good sign. No news are good news and all that. For all he knows, she’s lying in there sleeping off exhaustion, pain and alcohol… or being a pain in the ass to anyone who’s in there, complaining about being absolutely fine and not having to lie around here, probably cracking a few stupid jokes… his heart starts aching again, this time with the desire to be there and see her doing whatever she’s doing now… see her alive and knowing she’ll be safe, if only for tonight.
Flexing his hands, he nods. “Yes, sir… yes, she is.” Now he’s looking at Sheppard and the Colonel just raises his eyebrows, as if to say “What the hell are you waiting for then?” Yeah… what is he waiting for? He makes a face, and takes the pain to get up. Then he gives Sheppard an apologizing look. “Sir… I hope you don’t mind…” Rolling his eyes, Sheppard shakes his head. “Right. I… thank you, sir.”
“John.” Huh?
“Uh… beg pardon, sir?” Another rolling of his eyes.
“My first name. It’s John. You might want to try that next time we talk to each other.” Oh… oh, right. No Atlantis anymore… no superiors anymore. Instead… they’re equals.
Being a little too overwhelmed with everything, he just gives Sheppard a tight smile to acknowledge what he just said and then starts walking over to the tent where they put Laura. He prepares himself for every eventuality that comes into his mind… but when he finally enters the damn tent… there’s a sight he didn’t prepare himself for. Because, well, he never expected the rest of his team being there already.
There’s a moment of mutual surprise… until it’s Jorgenson of all people who simply says, “About time you got here, Lorne.” Wha… he takes a look at the rest of them – well, those who are awake because it looks like Doc passed out a while ago on the cot beside the one Laura’s who seems to be asleep as well – and finds them to mirror the sentiment Jorgenson just expressed.
He’s tempted to tell them to go to bed and not come back for the next ten hours so he can be alone with Laura and all the conflicting feelings and thoughts in his heart and mind but then… he realizes they wouldn’t obey him anyway. And the way Dhati wordlessly vacates her place on the floor next to Laura’s head… tells him that they don’t just tolerate what’s going on between Laura and him. No, they accept it… without reservations, even.
So instead of rebuffing Jorgenson for the rather brash comment, he simply nods, walks over and gingerly sits down where Dhati just left. For a moment, he leans against the crate in his back, closes his eyes and tries to make sense of everything that happened today for the umpteenth time… but a slight rustle and a small, labored sigh from the cot beside him make all of that fade into insignificance. He opens his eyes and for the first time really looks at Laura.
She’s lying on her stomach, without any other cover than the blanket reaching up only to below her shoulder blades and thus exposing naked skin and white bandages. For a moment, he’s afraid that the sigh meant that he somehow woke her up but as it is, she seems to be still asleep. He knows he should leave her be but this isn't exactly sunny California and the tent offers only so much shelter from the chill outside so he carefully moves the blanket to fully cover her.
That… that prompts a very small subconscious smile to form on her pale and weary face and he can’t help but do something he hasn’t done ever before; kissing her in public. It’s only on the cheek and only very softly but still… no, no more brooding and doubting and self-reproaches.
She’s alive and his team’s alive and he’s alive and that’s all that counts for now and with that in his heart, he simply closes his eyes again and leans his head against the cot, just inches away from her face. At this… something feeling suspiciously like peace is tiptoeing into his mind and even though he’d planned to be on vigil until she woke up… it makes him finally slip into blissful oblivion of dreamless sleep.
~*~
“Why can’t it be perfect
Like in a love song
Or in a movie
Where the boy kneels before the girl
And takes her hand
And looks her deep in the eyes
And everything is alright
Nothing feels awkward
Candles are burning and the champagne is ready
But it’s never like that in reality.”
~*~
TBC in Go Home.
